Category: Anxiety

Anxiety, GAD, Mental Health, PTSD

Living in the Grey

Amanda Wilson

I had a small breakthrough in therapy a few weeks ago.

Lately, I’ve been stuck in a constant cycle of having either really good days or really bad days. Over the last several months, a lot has changed in my life, especially when it comes to my mental health. And no, I’m not merely blaming my shift because of Covid-19 or the new outbreaks my home province has been experiencing, but there has been a major shift.

After spending nearly a month in the hospital because I had started making plans to end my life, I’ve entered 2021 with almost a defeated attitude. Between adjusting to new medications, continuing my trauma therapy, and getting myself prepared for EMDR treatment later this year, I already feel like this year has taken it’s toll, and we’re only into the second week of March.

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Anxiety, Mental Health, PPD, PTSD, Suicide

Mind on Fire

Amanda Wilson

Have you ever been so low that you’ve felt unworthy of living?

I have.

You can sense the shift right before it happens. One day you are doing well, then the next something is off. You have a twang in your stomach that just doesn’t sit right. Your nerves are on edge, trembling almost with an invisible anticipation – waiting for something to happen. It’s like waiting for a bomb to go off, counting down the last seconds. Tick… tick… tick…

Sometimes the shift is gradual, almost undetectable, and other times it hits you like a tidal wave, overwhelming you to the point you’re drowning in your own pain. Your brain runs on overdrive. Your thoughts are rambling. You become rigid with fear. Your mind is on fire.

Suddenly, the most terrible realization hits you:

Death seems more comforting than life.

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#depression, Anxiety, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Motherhood, New Mom, PPD

The Three O’clock Blues

Amanda Wilson

If there is one thing they don’t warn you about after having a baby is that you’ll grieve your old life sans baby.

Remember that solitude time you could have to yourself on a day off or being able to binge watch a show on Netflix at your own leisure? Yeah, I don’t either.

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Anxiety, GAD, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Motherhood, New Mom, PPD, PTSD

Today I was “That” Mom

Amanda Wilson

I was “that” mom today.

The type of mom that society deems “unfit”. The mom that other moms whisper about behind her back. The mom who’s judged by others wondering if she should have been a parent at all.

I was “that” mom that stuck her baby in a crib to let him “cry it out”. I was that mom who put her baby in front of an iPad for 40 minutes because she needed a break. I was that mom that let her baby muddle around on the living room floor while she took a 10 minute break on Instagram. I was “that” mom.

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Anxiety, GAD, Mental Illness, PPD, PTSD

It’s OK to go Back to Therapy

Amanda Wilson

One thing I have learned over the years when it comes to my mental illness, and living with my PTSD and GAD, is that healing comes in waves.

Just as my depressive episodes tend to come and go, depending on any number of factors, healing is the eventual next step in the process.

But for me, and for many others out there, healing has to be a choice.

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Anxiety, Linkin Park, Mental Health, Music and Therapy, New Mom, Writing

Songs Getting me Through Covid-19

Amanda Wilson

Music is my medicine.

Well, no not really, but it’s a fantastic outlet that helps me find the words to express the sometimes jumbled-up feelings inside my head when my anxiety is running wild or my depression is leaving me feeling speechless.

Now that we’re living during uncertain times because of the Covid-19 pandemic, anxieties and panic are running high. While my anxiety isn’t necessarily going a-wall over contracting the virus, my mental health has taken a huge hit as I self-isolate with my baby and husband.

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Anxiety, GAD, Life, PTSD, Writing

To My Future Husband: The Vows I Can’t Say Out Loud

Amanda Wilson

To my future husband,

As the days begin to countdown, far too quickly in my opinion, and we rush to finish last-minute wedding plans, making sure all our affairs are in order – gifts bought, cake topper selected, heckling people for late RSVP’s – I can’t help but take a moment to reflect back on how far we have come, of all that we have been through and to be hopeful in all we have yet to see.

And even though we have our ceremony planned and songs picked to walk down the aisle to, there are still some vows that I won’t get the chance to say to you on our wedding day. There are some promises that I don’t have the courage to say out loud to you, in front of all our friends and family. For these vows are too hard, and too deep, for me to recite to you.

But even though I don’t have the strength to say them to you out loud, I still want you to hear them, because I mean every single word; for these vows are as precious to me as the ring you placed on my finger.

With everything that I am, I make these silent vows to you.

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Anxiety, GAD, Linkin Park, Mental Health, PTSD

Losing my Shit Over a Sweater (The Red Flag I Ignored)

Amanda Wilson

If you’re a person who changes their outfit five times before heading out the door, raise your hand.

🙋

Now before anyone starts pointing fingers, I’m not judging. I am also picky about the clothes I wear, despite always reverting back to ol’ faithful (a tee-shirt and skinny jeans). As an adult woman, there is nothing wrong with this. Sometimes it depends on the occasion, sometimes it depends on my mood, and sometimes it depends on the weather pouring out of the heavens. (It’s hard to wear skits and dresses in a place where it can get up to -30°C without freezing to death.)

And while I have the potential to throw on five to ten different outfits before heading out the door – ignoring the eye rolls and the endless “You’re beautiful no matter what you wear!” from my fiancé – is not always warranted from being “just picky”. It sometimes stems from something greater, something more profound.

Sometimes my PTSD is the demon lurking in my closet (and in my fashion choices).

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Anxiety, Mental Health, PTSD

On the Days I Need Someone to Advocate For Me

Amanda Wilson

I love being a mental health advocate.

Putting my own story out there was both the scariest and greatest thing I could have ever done. Opening up about my battle with PTSD and GAD has been both a solace and a therapeutic experience for me.

And while I am proud to stand up and fight for all those out there still suffering in silence, I realize there are days where I need the same support. There are days where I need someone to advocate for me.

I take a great deal of pride in being the first line of defence, someone brave enough to put their own pain in the spotlight to help make a difference, to help someone suffering in silence. It is a heavy burden and the ultimate reward to voice my opinions and to turn my own suffering into something positive. Being this vulnerable (and exposed) while walking this path has been humbling, but there is a price to be paid for putting my pain on display. There are sacrifices to be made in order to help someone else.

But the bigger question is this: Would someone else do it for me? Keep Reading!

Anxiety, Mental Health, PTSD, Writing

New Year, Same Illness

Amanda Wilson

I started off my 2018 the best way I know how.

By finishing another manuscript to one of the many novels I am working on. (Cue loud cheering!) After months of hunkering down and locking myself up in my writing den, I finally finished my NL novel, which is now officially titled, Where the Land Meets the Sea. Hopefully, with much luck and wishful thinking, I can get it published later this year.

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There is no better feeling in the world than holding a completed manuscript for the first time! ❤

But besides finishing another novel that I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into, I’m sure like many of you, I too sat down and wrote out some New Year resolutions and some goals I wanted to have completed by the end of 2018, both personal and professional.

And while maybe I have already broken a few of them (cutting back on Tim Horton’s ice capps…I am failing miserably so far!), there are some things in my life, no matter now much I plot and plan for, I have no control over.

That includes my mental health issues. Keep Reading!